Cheers..

I can’t believe it but it’s been nearly a year since I walked away from something I thought I’d never have the strength to live without. I swear time doesn’t feel real. It’s already been two years since I moved to a completely different world, in the pursuit of everything I thought I wanted in this life. What a two years it’s been man. I don’t know what I was expecting when I hopped in my car and made that fifteen hour drive but holy shit I could’ve never predicted this.

Life is funny like that I guess, you make a decision that seems so pure and innocent in the moment and it turns out to be the best decision you ever made or your biggest regret. I think that’s the most important thing I’ve learned over the last few years. To live intentionally, to think. Every decision I’ve made has led me right to this very point writing for the amazing people who read my work every time I post (You guys are fucking amazing). And I don’t think any decision I’ve made over the last several years of my life has been bigger than deciding to live for me.

I admit, I was scared. I was terrified about what life would look like for me after my last relationship ended. I moved fifteen hours away from everything I’d ever known just for things to fall apart miserably. I uprooted my entire life for me to have my soul ripped from my chest… several times. I had to believe in myself, I know that sounds cliché but it’s fucking true. I had to trust that I’d be okay, that I can be alone, that I didn’t need anyone and I definitely didn’t need to lean on something as unhealthy as that relationship. And low and behold, I did it.. still here, still working on my aura.

I really learned what it means to be me, for the first time in my life. I finally became who Brandon always dreamt of being. Admitting who I am and learning to love me for all of the things that make me, me. I’m sensitive as fuck. It took so long for me to learn to accept this cause I ALWAYS hated being sensitive. But I’m finally at a point where I just learned to accept it instead of denying it all the time. There’s nothing wrong with being sensitive. Why are we so opposed to feeling things deeply? What’s wrong with that? What’s wrong with having an intense reaction to things that bring feeling out of us? I stopped dismissing it and began to embrace it.

Although I’m still figuring out what this looks like for me, I didn’t shy away from femininity. I’ve always been insecure about who I was as a man honestly. Letting others opinions of who I should and shouldn’t be shatter my will to comfortably be me. There was a switch that flipped, ironically in a conversation the last time I spoke with my ex. Months later I was listening to Lauryn Hill’s unplugged album and she spoke about how her voice isn’t always gonna perfect, how her performances might be so-so for her listeners and that really resonated with me. I’m not always gonna perform masculinity and I honestly don’t want to do that. It’s exhausting. But I’ll touch more on this in a later prompt.

This has gone on a tad bit longer than I intended it to be but I think cause I’m sipping cheap wine and playing A Seat at the Table on repeat and I’m in the mood to spill my thoughts, It’s so interesting every time I get an urge to write it feels like I’m vomiting everything I’ve trapped in my head for weeks, I always have so much to say but always say so little when I’m not writing. Still working on finding my voice.

But anyway, cheers to me. Cheers for putting myself out there, for trusting me. Loving every piece of me, and accepting all the little parts that I hate. For connecting with some of the most beautiful people I’ve ever met in my life, basically all of you reading this. Who connect with me in ways I never imagined me needing. Thank you. What a year it’s been. I didn’t think I had this in me, to be me. To for the first time in my life.. heal. Like actually heal, to actually challenge myself. To learn to fall in love with Brandon for the first time in my life.

Cheers, to one hell of a year.