Comfortably lost
I find that I’m constantly having to remind myself to give all the love that I have to me. To keep myself warm, to uplift my own spirits, to be my own best friend, to look in the mirror and see the true love of my life. For so long I’ve been dedicated to giving every piece of me away to other people that loving me feels strange? I guess. Yeah, strange is the right word.
That’s so weird.. why does it feel strange to love myself? Isn’t that what I’m supposed to do? Isn’t that the first love you’re supposed to experience anyway? I can’t really explain it, but so far it’s like trying to fall in love with a stranger. I’ve been so dedicated to getting to know other people and what their passions are, I’ve completely lost touch with mine and lately it’s just been a process of falling in love with me and all the things that make me happy. My music, my friends, my fashion, my journey with God and spirituality, just me.
It’s difficult. Sometimes I just long for intimacy. I crave for the fiery embrace of the souls who wrecked me. It was in their embrace that I thought I felt most complete, where loneliness was simply a afterthought. It’s in these moments that I have to hold myself tighter. To be gentle with myself, to give myself a little bit more love. To embrace everything that comes with the uncomfortable silence of my solitude.
It’s been hard. I know I deserve love, I know I want love. Honestly, I feel like I need it too. I hate that, I hate feeling like I need anyone to love me but I know I do. If I didn’t I wouldn’t need the comfort of being around people 24/7. Why am I so uncomfortable just being with me? What’s wrong with me? If I can’t be in a room alone with myself how the fuck can I expect to find love with other people when I can’t even embrace myself.
Filling these voids with sex and alcohol isn’t doing the trick. It’s a process, so I need to be gentle with myself, I need to be patient, but I also need to be honest. I’m more than willing to give myself several pats on the back for the work I’ve done thus far but I also need to be stern and give myself tough love as well.
Its been quite the trip so far, but I still have a ton of mileage I need to unpack, quickly.
